you burn more calories sleeping than watching television....

good thing i have never been the one to care much about my figure.

I have been evaluating my life lately
and i realized the one thing that seems to remain constant in my life is....
REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES
i have yet to decide if this is a good thing or not.
it is two episodes into the season
and everyone has already begun to screw themselves out of money.
I can already tell that this season will pale in comparison to the past season.
The opening credits easily proves me right.
check out this video from last season the duel 2.
it completely foreshadowed the entire season....funny and over drammatic.




President Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize.
Like many people in the world i was a little confused and uneducated about it.
What did he do??
and UNlike many people in the world,
i have a biased and immature government class to educate me on all things political.
Bob Marley wannabe: i believe he shouldn't get a nobel peace prize
until he fixes the economy and legalizes marijuana.
Me: well i believe people who work at tabacco shops,smoke marijuana, have dreadlocks,
and play with hacky sacks while wearing tye-dye tshirts should sit down and shut up
because no one cares what you believe!!!!

Here in Texas it is the middle of October and 50 degrees outside.
Perfect weather for bringing out my leather jacket i have missed so dearly
But definitely not the perfect weather for an 8 year old girl who lives on my street
to stand outside of her home and moon me as i drive by!
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOU MORON!!!

A housefly hums in the key of F.

I am going to my grandmother's funeral tomorrow.
There is a feeling in my stomach.
Its not a pain. Just a feeling.
Maybe I am nervous. Maybe I am scared.

All I know is that this has been the longest two weeks of my life
And nothing will ever be the same.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing


My mom has recently informed me that Kanye West's tour is canceled
WELL DUHH!!
Mom: why would people not want to go to his concert?
Me: because he completely humiliated taylor swift on live television!
Mom: but that's what he does, he speaks his mind. that's why people love him.
         when he told the nation that bush doesn't care about black people the next
          day people were wearing kanye west t-shirts.
Me: what are you talking about!? you change the station and then throw up a little everytime
 his song comes on the radio!
Mom: I said people love him....i didn't say I love him.

so quiet, another wasted night, the television steals the conversation

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The Video Music Awards (VMA) REALLY are about music videos!

And since I don’t spend my time watching music videos I had no real idea what of a FREAK lady gaga is or the fact that Taylor Swift’s video is better than Beyonce’s Single Ladies. The video that went crazy on youtube and that made people think that skipping around in their own black leotards trying to copy Beyonce is actually entertaining. WAKE UP!! you are not Beyonce. Stick to doing the dance in your room by yourself without a video camera propped up on a desk…like me!!

Even though it seems that Beyonce’s video is liked more by the country,

I still would not have gotten out of my seat and stormed the stage,

stolen the mic out of Taylor Swift’s hand

and announced to the country on live television that Beyonce should have won.

I also would not have shaven a bunch of different squiggly lines all over my head but I guess me and Kanye like to live our lives a little differently.

Speaking of living our lives differently, I can definitely say that I have never once had the problem of confusing my life with Lady Gaga’s.

The VMA’s might as well have been advertised as a scary movie. Between Lady Gaga’s costume changes and not knowing when Kanye West was going to pop up on stage again I couldn’t stop covering my eyes with my sheets. Every time I would uncover my eyes there would be Lady Gaga with red laced underwear over her head or a bird’s nest strangling her face.

Good thing it was a Sunday night and my mom had nothing better to do than “bond” with me over a lovely night of television watching.

Mom: ever heard of one flew over the coo coo’s nest.

Me: I think you mean the cuckoo’s nest...but I get where you’re going with this. Hilarious!

Oh and did I say good job Russell Brand!! Oh wait I take that back because you made me uncomfortable every second you were up on stage.

Mom: who gave that transvestite a microphone?

Me: he is not a transvestite….tight pants and heels are in for guys. (WAIT!! Why am I sticking up for him? Take off those leggings and put on some REAL pants!)

But other than that I really did enjoy the show, especially the tribute to Michael Jackson. But I have to say...I think it is time we lay him to rest.

Speaking of laying to rest.

Inglorious Basterds was (insert an elevated synonym for GREAT here)!!!!!

And yes Tarantino meant to spell basterds wrong….or he is just an idiot. An idiot that is really good at making a movie that makes you want to squeal, laugh and join the army all at the same time.

I would love to be interrogated by Brad Pitt, as long as I can keep my scalp afterwards. Yep there was scalping involved (insert squeal here).

Inglorious Basterds was a definite good movie pick.

I really thought I was the master at looking at movie trailers and knowing what to expect from a movie.

And then Taking Woodstock comes along…and I am defeated.

I’m not sure if it was the naked hippies “acting”, (one would have to be very talented to act with hairy parts flinging everywhere), or Liev Schreiber as a transvestite, but I walked out.

You know when people talk about how they were born in the wrong time just because they love The Beatles? Well I know I was not supposed to be alive during Woodstock because I would have walked out on that mess while yelling hugs NOT drugs and passing out Hanes underwear and t-shirts so they would cover up (you get a lot in a package for the price).

R.I.P. Vogue Evolution: I really am going to miss you running around on stage and doing the (really uncomfortable looking) splits. (I hope he got his you-know-what removed).

a world of contradictions

i have realized since the emergence of opinions of a lactose i have been making facebook status updates less and less.
which is a good thing. a very, very good thing.
i don't mean to sound hypocritical but facebook status' in a way are everyone's worst enemy.
what really makes you think that people care who you are with or what you are doing?
but then secretly we do care. we are interested. that's what keeps us logging on everyday.
facebook is a community of harsh contradictions, that at the end of the day show how pathetic and self-absorbed we all are.
which is OKAY with me. because at the end of MY day i can proudly say that i am not the girl who leaves facebook status' that say: why are you so obsessed with me?(O.M.G.!)

it is so hot here in texas that people don't just crack their windows so their car doesn't get too stuffy...we have to keep our windows rolled all the way down so the inside of our car doesn't melt.
it is so hot here in texas that i don't feel the air conditioning in my car until i have arrived at my destination (thanks for the help a.c.).
it is so hot here in texas that when i see middle aged women walking around the park at one in the afternoon i throw whatever i have in my car at them. (who cares if you have added on a couple pounds since your divorce. go home you moron)
you want to know why dallas has one of the highest obesity rates in the nation....its because its too hot to go outside to play a game of football, or to shed a few pounds!!!
so stop looking at us with those judgemental eyes, and stop wondering why so many of us are addicted to gaming...there is nothing else to do! and i am sure World of Warcraft is better than dehydration or skin cancer.

i really am tired of this weather.
i am ready for the leather jackets
and the colored tights
and knee length boots
the ruffle long sleeve blouses from ralph lauren
and i want to be able to drink hot chocolate without having to take my clothes off afterwards because i am so hot!
but all of these things mean winter.
and i am definitely not ready for the out of style boots with the fur
and the dry skin
and the windshield ice scrapers

oh what is a girl to do!!!?

no one else is quite as beautiful

today i watched chris brown's interview on larry king live. it was pretty interesting. it kind of rekindled my hope in chris brown. i am fan and i will always be a fan. i guess i was kind of in denial about what chris did and seeing the interview was sort of a wake up call that it really DID happen. i keep telling myself that people make mistakes and that chris is only human, but i know if i had heard of another human doing what he did i would be completely disgusted. with chris brown i keep using excuses to justify why he did it. the truth is things happen and i am willing to give him a second chance. i believe that his career is not over. he is an amazing artist. that is why i am a fan. just because he makes mistakes in his personal life should not take away from the fact that he is amazing in his professional life. he is working on a cd and i would hope that the world has as much forgiveness as i have and will buy his cd. it took michael jackson's death for the world to remember what an incredible artist he was. we have an incredible artist living right in front of us. we have the chance to be mesmerized by his work and this is something we should take advantage of.
chris brown is living and i could say that he is back but i would like to believe that he has never left. because truly his music has never left my head, and chris brown as an artist has never left my heart. it took his apology and his words with larry king for me to remember that. so i am done living in denial. the incident happened but i will approach chris brown's music with forgiveness as i dance around to his new CD in my room while wearing my chris brown concert t-shirt that has been in my closet since the incident. no longer will the shirt be shunned, i am going to wear it proud.

Fashion's Night Out starts in 4 days. i think it is an extremely good idea. getting all of the influential people in fashion together for one night to help out the economy and make shopping and clothing and fashion fun again. it is a global thing. and new york being the fashion capital that it is, it makes sense that they would be the only place in the united states participating in fashion's night out. oh wait...just kidding...that makes no sense at all!! this is texas! we have money, we have places to shop! neiman marcus was founded here! we have expensive boutiques and designer stores! it's not fair. i want celebrities at my favorite department stores wearing matching black shirts and having a good time while helping out the economy. if the jonas brothers think texas is suitable then so should vogue. even india is having this thing. what does india have that texas doesn't have? besides all of our jobs...they have nothing!


here is chris brown's interview on larry king live,
if you are not looking to have your faith in chris brown restored then please watch with caution

one hit wonders

She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
I think to sing it again
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thong

what a classic.
too bad sisqo only had one hit and this song wasn't good enough to convince me to go out and buy his cd.
so i am only left with my imagnation of what that cd was like
i'm thinking the same vibe as the thong song but with a different chorus. "let me see that (insert undergarment here)"

when i listen to KissFM i try and count all the people that will join sisqo on the list of one hit wonders in a few years.
that list definitely includes flo rida.
"apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur"
he was the start of this new rap thing where they take one catchy line and then repeat it for 4 minutes.
but i have to admit, i did have to dance around in my car the first 30 times kissfm played the song. and then the day i realized flo rida put together was florida, i stopped dancing.
boots with fur aren't even in style anymore FLORIDA!!
the only thing that would make me dance to that florida song is if the cast from glee (that new show on FOX) was singing it.
i was certainly over golddigger until i saw the glee commercial with that guy singing it.
i was definitely dancing to that.
all you need is a tony award winner singing a rap song to make it good.


Glee
FOX, 8:00, after so you think you can dance

hey imbecile! he's the king of pop

today i overheard two kids say michael jackson was stupid.
i then realized that was the first time since his "homicide" that someone had actually said a negative thing about him.
i guess this jacko craze is over with and people will slowly start to remember the guy who wore pajamas to court.
it's sad that it took his death for the world to remember how wonderful of an artist he was.
i personally knew all along.

speaking of kids....
what happened to the show kids say the darndest things??
because i work with kids and they really DO say the darndest things!
a reality show was created that actually was centered around people that deserve the attention and that you won't find on the cover of people magazine dancing on tables and the whole world tries to forget it ever existed like it was the holocaust!
hitler had nothing to do with this insanely hilarious show! it was bill cosby.
he is the black man on the cosby show with the catchy jokes that not only entertain but teach lessons. he is a genious. a genious!!
they don't even show reruns of kids say the darndest things!
this is something we should be in war over!

the beginning of the end

i started community college today. community college. where people in your community go to college. where people in your community, that you don't really care to see nor be forced into an awkward situation with especially since you are already not digging the whole going to 13th grade, go to college. luckily, my first day played no resemblence to the nightmares i have been having leading up to this day. the day also did not resemble me meeting nice, amazing people and having good eye candy to stare at while my government class rambled on about why and why not the country's stay at home moms should bring in their old, earth threatening, mini vans for cash.
bob marley wannabe: "i think cash for clunkers is stupid"
me: "really? because i think your dreadlocks are stupid"
i did have a nice wide window to stare at which had a beauiful view of an exit out of my community college. exit out of community college. where people in your community exit when they can not handle anymore college! (mental note: staircase is to the left of the government classroom and exit will be to the right of stairs, try not to look like a freak as you burst through the doors)

as i am writing this i am watching the late show, not to be confused with the late, late show with craig ferguson. this is the late show with david letterman. he is talking with anna wintour. i find her intriguing but i can't decide if its for her bob haircut or her english accent. or maybe its the fact that she is like 60 years old! the interview was interesting and only mildly awkward.

speaking of awkward, i am reminded of a few hours ago when i pushed play on my dvr so that i could watch another uncomfortable episode of secret life of the american teenager. i went through my normal routine of watching the show while simultaneously praying that it is almost over. then when it is over, i reflect. and then when the reflection is over i cry a little bit inside because it is hard knowing that i am the type of person that would watch a show about a 16 year old getting pregnant at band camp by a guy that is addicted to sex and once dated a hardcore christian who eventually has sex with her christian boyfriend the night her dad's plane crashes which with the help of her mentally retarded brother she ends up blaming the crash on her losing her virginity and god being frustrated with her which is followed by the retarded brother dumping the dad's ashes onto a golf course.

what's that? you don't believe me?
secret life of the american teenager
abcfamily
7:00 central time
have a look for yourself

i would like to dedicate this to heidi montag

all of the monday nights spent on the couch watching truly interesting episodes of the hills (truly), all of the magazine covers containing her over-collagened lips i had to shield my eyes from in line at wal-mart, all of the minutes spent replaying my recording of E! news to finally realize that giuliana DID say what i thought she had said (heidi finally stopped crying over lauren and tied the knot with spencer!)

all of this time and Heidi Montag FINALLY does something that inspires me to be a better person. WOAH! i know i sound insane but stay with me here. facebook isn't going anywhere. keep reading please.

to fully understand my revelation one would have to hear the whole story:

my mom's idea of family bonding is us sitting on the couch watching one of her intolerable t.v. shows. (big brother, young and the restless....you get the idea)

mom: "let's watch miss universe tonight!!" me: "is that your final answer??" and little did i know there was heidi skipping around and lip syncing naked. i was astonished! really, really, really astonished. and once i realized that she was actually not naked but actually wearing a skin-toned body suit thing, i calmed down. really donald trump? is this what you define as good entertainment? a good performance? is this what you jam to in your "trump tower"??

watching the mess that was heidi montag, i started to have heart palpitations. mom: "she's not bad, you are just judging her because you are a dancer" me: "no mom, i am judging her because she sucks!"

i needed to vent! i needed to discuss this with someone! that is when i got the idea to blog. with a little encouragement from my friend anna, and a newly purchased dell inspiron, opinions of a lactose intolerant was created.

THANK YOU HEIDI MONTAG!! this blog is just what i have been needing.


ever had heart palpitations?? they are just a click away..... http://showhype.com/video/heidi_montag_body_language_live_miss_universe_pageant/